Monday, November 1, 2010

Episode 35 Ms Hen

Episode 35 Ms Hen

Like Michael, I couldn't say Goodbye, I've made too many great friends from having a show, PLUS, with the inevitable tidal wave of Vegan shows from around the world, I need to fight the good fight for New Zealand, we need to maintain our title as "Most Vegan Podcasters per capita", tourists come from around the world to visit historical sites of New Zealands Animal Rights podcasting history, the Microphone used for the first episode of NZ Vegan Podcast, which featured a sad Elizabeth, unsure if anyone would ever listen, beginning with a really enthusiastic intro:

Little did she know those first recordings would lead to NZ Vegan Inc, financially freeing her to podcast from the beaches of Samana.  Other attractions at the Museum of NZ Animal Rights podcasting history include of course William Pauls MacBook Pro, and an MP3 of Food For Thought Radio, where Sam dedicated a song to Emmy

You're so nice Sam, I'm 23, and still learning about women, for example, before this song

< I need air>,

Its a difficult concept to grasp, hence why RoboVoice 2.0 repeats herself so often, but I never knew they breathed, much as we do, make sure you poke plenty of holes in the cardboard box, ok?

Our economy relies on Vegan shows.  I needed to stop doing mine when it turned out most of the 5 people who listened WERENT posting me blank cheques like they were explicitly TOLD, don't worry though, now I've discovered how to hack into your credit card accounts, I'll be able to sustain the show for the near future.

About the Bieber song, I think its still Halloween, in the USA, the only country that makes a holiday of young children beating up elderly women for not coughing up their candy bars.

I've long despised that Justin Bieber guy, and no, its not because he cant understand New Zealand English

He'd been asked, in some quiz, if his surname meant "Basketball" in the German Language, instead, that poor Canadian born child seems to have been informed by US Public School Education that NZ, like the rest of the world, is full of no good Communist/Taliban scumbags, that all the ex-Nazi's fled to New Zealand, and that still-alive Hitler, AKA Drew from the C4 music channel had accused him of being a "jew-man".  "We don't say that in America" indeed.

So he cant understand what the heck I'm saying now, I'm not going to lose any sleep, I don't like Justin Bieber because he calls himself "JB"

We all know theres two MJ's, Michael Jordan made sport watchable, I loved watching that Genetically Engineered man/flea hybrid take off, fly over half the court, and shatter the glass backboard, but we still knew the REAL MJ.

No, theres only ONE real JB, although they were accompanied by "and the JB's" :

Just kidding,

And the most important drum sample in all of hiphoptffff

And so, with a Yatesload of bells thanks to a Jackson 5 song, I'm back on the airways, or more accurately, taking advantage of's free servers, an AAC file thats


 that runs along the fibre, to say hello to your iPod.

A Yatesload, for those three nations not down with the Metric system, is an internationally recognized measurement, although, hmmmm,  it seems to currently be missing a Wikipedia entry.

I've always been inspired by Anne Frank, "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.", or as someone infinitely more important sang, "if you wanna make the world, a better place, that Wikipedia article, make a change", "……….in 1791 it was decided that from henceforth, the bell from the pilot episode of Onhuman Nonhuman Relations would serve as global standard for bell volume, as evidenced in this MP3 file…"

Citation needed?  Hmm, um, ok, "see episode 35 of Coexisting With Nonhuman Animals", surely thats no different than when online articles reference those long extinct things called "boooooks" right?  I think thats how you say it, what d'ya reckon Alex? 

Ah, thanks Alex, Books.

"see page 3678 from this long out of print book", huh, as if, these days, life is what you make of it, or whats on Wikipedia, whatever involves less effort.

Anne Frank also said, according to historic document "", "the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands", I think that means we're to write our OWN Wikipedia pages too, "Wyatt, widely renowned as Evolutions gift to women…."

Annnnnnnyway, its not the "two Vegan podcasters who wish they were a DJ Duo, putting on a cockney/pissed off drunk Australian accent, um, I think we have to discuss what its actually meant to be sometime before we make it big,  "we're Nonhuman Poverty Of Ambition, representing a bleak futuristic wasteland, Clockwork Orange meets Once Were Warriors, combining classic Rock and Jackson Five", each wearing matching Daft Punk style Robot outfits , Dr Yates spinning Vinyl,  Master Wyatt mixing it up on an iPad… section"….although…. that does sound commercially viable, sort of Mighty Boosh meets Flight of the Conchords, representing our respective origins, with Emmy James animating our videos, Elizabeth Collins as Sound Engineer Extraordinaire, Sam Tucker promoting on his Radio show…hmmm

Hello and welcome to another episode of Coexisting With Nonhuman Animals.

Its great to be back, and on World Vegan Day, New Zealand Time, no less.  I hope to see plenty more videos and podcasts from around the world about all your adventures, me, I went to work as usual, with a Sam Tucker Original on, "Beef+Lamb, be Twice as cruel", a parody of a Beef+Lamb ad in New Zealand, with my Team Vegan athletic shirt over top.  I walked home from work, past the milk processing factory, to see the local butcher angrily throwing something red and slimy into his rubbish bins, and then a stock truck drove past.  I came home, my Chicken Friends ran to meet me, and as soon as I sat down, all who could fit sat on my lap.  I gave them all bread, and they made me feel much better.  What better way to celebrate World Vegan Day than in a Sam Tucker Original, having a feast of bread buns with your Chicken Friends?  I pity all those Vegans instead having meals together in Vegan Resturants, where you're probably not even allowed to have Chicken Friends on the table, right?  Sad.

I still get jealous of everyone living in a Vegan Wonderland, although some parts of Australia are Southland-esque in their levels of Veganism, just listen to Jeff and Renata on Episode 20 of the Abolitionist Approach Commentary;   other areas of The Great Land of Aus are brimming with Animal Rights, where it seems even the butchers, slapped as they may be, are Vegan:

One of my teachers was a deer farmer, who told one of the pretty, but very….unsmart girls that she should focus on being a prostitute.

I think its great to have people with all possible twangs on the English language promoting Animal Rights, surely SOMEONE out there understands my Southland accent, I've been in touch with a Vegan from Gorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre, hi Kathleen!

I'd like to talk about recent events. 

I recently had a fight with a dear friend, they had a long chain, which lashed at my glazzies, I with my cut throat britva, circling and jabbing until the Millicents arrived.  I hope we can soon sort everything out over a nice cup of soy moloko chai, after their bolshy great bazoomny, and my boohoo hoo, I'd like to be droog's again.

I was feeling sorry for myself after this great lashing of chains, of stabbings with britvas when I went out to my backyard to find Ms Hen Friend dead.  I'm not sure exactly what had happened to her, perhaps another attack by a cat, although I'm leaning towards her dying of an infection.  She looked as though some of her feathers had been torn out recently, but I couldn't see exactly where those feathers were.  I'd had a Hen die from an infection before, as they become paralyzed over the course of an hour or so, go into spasms and die.  I was of course terribly upset, but was told that nothing could have been done.

I find it hard to believe that "nothing could be done", and feel that if I had not been inside, feeling terribly sorry for myself, nursing my chained eyeballs and bashed gulliver, that I could have done something to have saved Ms Hens life.

For a while, I didn't feel like going online, or being with other people.  I've since realized that its no way to live your life, alone, in isolation, and would like to continue on with my podcast.

I've seen many different ways of coping with the loss of a nonhuman. 

One example is talking about those who've passed away, be they human, or Chicken Friend, and this is what I'd like to do.

Some believe in an afterlife, as a proud Atheist, I do not.  I went to Catholic Schools, I figured I was getting something extra over a nonreligious school, and that I should know at least SOMETHING about religion, the priests were always nice, and religion never tried to overwrite Scientific Truth.  We had Religious Education teachers who taught us that "like, perhaps when the big J man is totally said to be all walking on water and stuff, maybe he was just a really cool swimmer, and back in them days people didn't swim much cause the alligators and stuff".  I decided to speak up about Atheism more when I noticed the growing influence of Youth Churches in my city, of programs aimed at youth, which take in normal teenagers, and churn them out saying things like "Jesus is my Savior, my savior is alive" on their short Facebook profiles.  I think it sounds more than a little cultish, but whatever.  THEN, I saw that one of these groups had an Australian speaker on so called "Intelligent Design" visiting, giving a presentation about how all that fancy pants "science" stuff was a waste of time, that everything in the world, GOD did it.  I love so many things about America, but please guys, you can keep the religious pseudoscience, it really should be frowned upon to tell this kind of thing to young adults.

 A story about an afterlife, a heaven for so called "pet animals", is of The Rainbow Bridge.

Heres one version of the poem, written in Comic Sans MS, for extra credibility,

"Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…."

Food is mentioned, I'm supposing that the unknown author of the poem was NOT Vegan, so no doubt those ghost kitties and spirt doggies are living off canned Chicken and Cow corpses, processed by the great Temple Grandin designed slaughterhouse in the sky.  This doesn't sound like a happy place for a gentle Mother Hen.  And the idea of her awaiting the day I myself die?  Thats not Ms Hen, the worst she ever did to me, to anyone, was perhaps the handful of times I ever caught her lightly pecking the other hens, and I mean about 5 times over the years, or when she snatched chewing gum from my mouth once, as documented in "When Chickens Attack" part 1, a short horror movie you can find at , the number 1, .

Even if there WERE a heaven, it doesn't sound like the place for Ms Hen, her favourite spot in the world always seemed to be sitting on my lap, with the other Chickens nearby, or perhaps also on my legs, eating bread from my hand. I don't think she'd like being on a fundamentally unstable blob of water vapor such as a cloud, just waiting to get sucked through a jet engine, they actually test aircraft safety by firing frozen birds at the intakes, to test for "birdstrike".

Another friend contacted a supposed "medium" about an animal who passed away, I've heard of these phony services before, where you basically wire a hundred bucks + to their account, and through the magic of email, they claim to be able to filter out every other animal whose ever died, to have a crystal clear Skype call with your lost loved friend.  These supposed shamans were covered in our national news, "the woman who can talk to animals", she turned out to NOT be Vegan…although she said something about the animals she ate having a "good life" from memory, I suppose she'd know though, after their ghouls float over to her and thank her for buying their quote "humanely slaughtered" bodies, right?  "oh, it was so painless being stunned in that PETA approved method, we cows sure are lucky having Ms Grandin speaking out for us!"

What are the deceased pets meant to say to these mediums?  "ah yes, um, the food in heaven is very nice, nice large portions, you know how my appetite was!….And Jesus takes me for a big long walk each day…."

It's rather obvious that a Hens heart lies with others, her family and friends, to be away from us all would be hell for her.

I prefer knowing where she really is, buried beneath my favourite childhood climbing tree, a Silver Birch, I laid a daffodil beside her, and Mr Rooster spent some time near her body, before I filled in her grave.   I wanted the other Chickens to realise she hadnt gotten lost somewhere, they knew she was dead of course.  I found him beside her looking upset, and the Hens, her little chicks, all grown up now………  I don't think they were ever more than a couple metres apart in all their lives, they lived together, shared food, spoke to one another almost constantly, at night they'd huddle together to share their body warmth, they loved each other, it really is that simple.

To dream up anything other than what happened is an insult to who she was, my little Hen Friend.  I blame myself for what happened, I feel as though there must have been something I could have done to make her better, telling myself fairytales wont change anything.

I think I could learn a lot from how happy Ms Hen was in life, I need to start focusing on the positive things in life, to focus on the things I have, rather than what I don't have.  For example, my iMac may not be the absolute pinnacle of human achievement anymore, the new model looks the same, probably weighs the same, is ALMOST identical, but its i7 Central Processing Unit option is a whole 130mhz faster than the i7 option I have to put up with, and for just an extra $1500 NZD, I could have had an SSD, solid state drive, which would cut bootup times in half, and make iTunes load in 1 second, instead of 1 and a half, well worth the extra 1100 American dollars, think of all those wasted seconds. 

BUT, some people are still slumming it on a G4, able to have a web browser open, or Skype, never the twain shall meet, OR, those who would love a MacBook Pro, hey William, have you seen the new MacBook Air?  Pretty sweet huh?, but unable to accept my pity, we pray for their Non Existant Souls.  I'm lucky to have ever had a friend as lovely as Ms Hen, who would wait at the back door to see me each day after my work.   I share videos of my little friends online so that anyone in the world can share the joy and wonderment they give me, and I'm not joking, if my iPad can be "magical", then Chicken Friends can absolutely be wonderful friends to us all.  I've collected shed feathers from the Chickens over time, that were left lying on the ground, I have quite a collection of yellow and orange, from the lighter Hens and Mr Rooster, but few from Ms Hen, not many black feathers.  I carry a couple with me in my wallet, you've got to put SOMETHING in that giant fold where cash used to be, back before we used plastic to pay for everything, although being a first world nation, New Zealand bank notes are also made of plastic.  I like to show others, non Vegans how lovely my little friends are, and the feathers serve as evidence of how soft and gentle they are, on the outside.  I have videos to show their personality.  Having a physical feather in someones hand helps to understand how special all animals are, including those who are normally seen as an ingredient, or at least I think so.

I've long been especially upset about how we treat Chickens in this world,

*microwaves with a recommended cooking time for Chickens flesh,
*freezers with how long they can serve as an avian morgue,

*of ads for KFC that come on a few times each night, with a slogan of "cant beat that taste".  "how would you like to eat that Chicken Billy", "oh, I'll have that piece of IT,        "

And calling people "chicken", as if its a bad thing, when a mother hen would try, without any chance of success,  to protect her eggs, until her death, of Roosters who are some of the most vicious fighters around, and of Bantam Roosters who barely reach my ankle, who think nothing of darting at a 1.95M tall young man from a species who kill 49 Billion of his kind each year, all in an attempt to keep the Hens safe. 

I also find the idea of referring to animals as our family, not just as in evolution, fellow mammals, earthlings…. instead meaning as in DIRECT family as very …odd….I've had terrifying conversations with people, and they start talking to a cat like, " don't worry my fur-baby, mumma's coming to get you your din-dins"….once I had a female friend refer to herself as a cats mother, and then a male refer to himself as "daddy" to another animal!  I tried to force a polite smile on my face, tried not to make eye contact with these mentally disturbed individuals, and slowly back away.  "these people are CRAZY!" I told myself "….wait, am I talking to myself?  Their psychosis has spread to me!"

I'm not a genius, and I can understand childbirth can be a confusing time, what with the epidural pain relief injection straight into a mothers spine, the hours of screaming and being told to push, for her to then yell at the doctor "I AM PUSHING!", and to then blame this on poor Hubby, but seriously, if you go home from the hospital with a cat, I think there must have been a simple, yet comical mixup, don't you agree?  That a hospital ward cat, we have those in New Zealands Socialist Hospitals, along with the dirt floors and death panels for when Grandma gets close to 50, the cat must have been munching away on the placenta, somehow got bundled up, given to the proud, and tired parents…  I prefer seeing animals around me as my friends, which is actually BETTER than being family, you get to CHOOSE your friends, much better than knowing your farming relatives feel forced to put up with "the black sheep of the family", the Vegan.

We all shift off this mortal coil eventually, I recently turned 23, and boy, do I feel old, I always knew I was on the "more life experienced" side of Vegan Activists in New Zealand, I feel like I now have to pump out as many of these shows as I can, while still around. 

For my birthday, I made sure to clear my schedule, to spend the day alone with my Chicken Friends, I also make a point to feed some local ducks each year.

I cued up a special song, to be the first thing I'd hear, at age 23.  I grew up watching The Simpsons, and one thing always bothered me about a certain episode, the one with Michael Jackson, ok, so its actually MJ doing the speaking voice for the huge white character, but then when the character SINGS, thats not Michael Jackson.  The rumour has always been that his recording contract wouldn't allow him to quote "make an appearance" elsewhere, or that Michael wanted to confuse people, so they wouldn't be sure who was actually the voice of the character, I'm not sure, for whatever reason, its not MJ singing, its some impersonator, and its not at all alike.

Heres the great big phony

Please, don't disrespect me with that imposter, even at a very young age, I was a level 5 Jackson-tologist.

I recently discovered an actual version with Michael Jackson REALLY SINGING the song, dedicated to a young girl on her Birthday, its almost priceless for me, to hear how the song, written by MJ, should have been, its like I had a missing piece all these years, and this true version of the song made me whole again.

What more could a male 23 year old ask than for a song written about a fictional yellow skinned little girl having her birthday.  I'll take the praise and joy, thank you, you shouldn't have!, but while being for Homosexual rights, I'll pass on the first kiss from a boy, you can regift that if you'd like.

I'm glad to be back podcasting, I realized that some people get out there and DO stuff to help animals, no matter if they're in the Australian Outback, others whine about being the only Vegan in the village ( a la Little Britain), and need to stay couped up with their Chicken Friends, passing proclamations forth on what every one else should DO. 

I'd like to think I'm starting to get more active in person though, I make sure to always have plenty of resources with me, I have many useful images and videos on my iPhone, ready to be explained to anyone interested, and I'm slowly turning some friends onto Veganism, just by promoting actual Veganism.  Perhaps a more talented activist could be like Aluminium Oxide, a Vegan influence planting Vegan seeds into reactive minds in around 100 picoseconds, or your money back, I cant work that way, I'm more like a rust, not really noticeable, but then one day you turn around and BAM, I've corroded away your objections, built up a dull flaky coating of respect towards animals, causing the suffix "friend" to attach itself to every animal name you utter like brown dust, not to mention making off with your wallet, leaving you to curse "nooooo, why did I not rust proof my feelings towards animals?"

I also have a lot of Veganism promoting clothing on the way, mostly from Herbivore Clothing.  I like the two badge set of an Elephant saying "I'm Vegan and I love you", its so very masculine, I think it would look great on my work overalls.

I'm also trying to apply pressure to many other Vegans, to have podcasts of their own, if I can do it, mainly as a vehicle to tell others what to do and talk about Chickens, then ANYONE can.  It costs nothing, and its nice to hear voices of Animal Rights activists from around the world.  Hosting a podcast is not about showing OFF, but showing UP.  Whats the worst thing that could happen?  That someone might make fun of what you're saying around their friends, "hey listen to this douchebag talk about his precious Chicken Friends, BAHAHAHAHA".  Its nothing to be worried about, theres nothing I can do about it, and I've actually never had negative feedback.  If I had, why would I care?  An email or Tweet is but bits and bytes, pixels on a screen.  What others say cant hurt you, and I'd only need to spend a second with my Chicken Friends, who are indeed precious, to feel on top of the world again.  We don't often feel that way, living down here, clinging desperately to the underside of this planet.  Its nice to be on top of the world, looking down on natural evolution, the only explanation that can be searched for is that the happiness others provide, thats whats put me atop this big ol' ball of dirt.

I'd love to see branded items from my favourite blogs and podcasts, through Cafepress , Zazzle etc.  I think NZ Vegan canvas bags would be EXCELLENT, and what kind of monster could pass on a Veganacious logo'd t shirt?  I've also heard rumors of a grassroots campaign to have a unique Quotes on reading on each of my episodes, read by Randy Sandberg himself, not to mention for more Bells and Whistles on the Abolitionist Approach Commentary podcast.

I've uploaded the last video I have of Ms Hen alive.  She looks calm and peaceful, the picture of health.  She's seen sleeping in a green plastic bucket filled with earth, where she'd been taking a dust bath, on a lovely hot Southland day.  I often worried about her, having such a thick coating of black feathers, I'd pay special attention that she drank more water than normal, and tried to encourage them all to stay out of the sun.  In the final video, we see her casually watch me, with one orange eye, I think you can tell from her behavior that she felt safe with me so close by, she would open one eye as Mr Rooster made different noises, to see what he was talking about, she wasn't startled though,  she was at rest.   You can find this last video at , sleeping hen.

I have many different photos and HD videos of Ms Hen, its rather uncanny, I still think of her each day, and there she is, perhaps larger than life on the screen of my 27 inch iMac, she looks real, as if I could touch her.   I know that statistically, she is no different to any of the 49 Billion odd Chickens killed annually, according to the UN FOA 2007 statistics, and she remains part of my motivation in promoting Veganism.  Myself, I couldn't promote anything less than Veganism, anything less than what I actually engage in, to do anything else would be lying!  I know that Ms Hen wouldn't want us to spend our time asking for larger cages, or if we could please cut Chickens Beaks off in a quote "more humane" fashion.  There really is no such thing as "welfare" or "humane" when it comes to how we treat animals, unless of course we're talking about how we would also treat other humans.  I feel very strongly about this issue, since I spend so much of my time with Chickens, this is not an idea or belief for me, its their lives.

The least we can do for nonhuman animals is to not HURT them, to not KILL them, to recognise them as individuals, like you or I, to recognize them as our Friends.

To finish off "the guy who wanted to be a DJ but realising he had no sense of rhythm, who was in fact, more suited to chopping and sanding wood" section of the show, I have a song to share.  I heard this track and really enjoyed it, although I initially thought "oh yeah, another coked out euro trash pop/electronic artist who'll have one hit, to then be pulled back into Europa from whence she came", THEN I noticed she was a New Zealander!  ALL RIGHT!  Her name is apparently "Zowie", I have some younger friends who claim to loooooove David Bowie, they say "bow-e", its "bo wee" right?, these are the same friends who claim to have just noticed that quote "audio tune thing", and scream "OMG, like, this is totally MY song LMFAO!" every three minutes in a nightclub.

Its interesting that two of my Vegan friends have a heart def…um, how would we say it these days, "differently abled heart", the all informative Wikipedia page, with scientific facts that could NEVER be quickly edited, lists around 2-3% of a given population having, what the Liberal Elite call  (my tral) " Mitral Valve Prolapse".  Sam's not the only one who can dedicate songs, this track shows how nerdy guys who can reformat a hard drive get allllll the ladies.  I'd like to dedicate this New Zealand pop song to all the people worldwide, including 2 of my 5 listeners, with Crazy Heart Syndrome, Happy World Vegan Day, and thank you all for listening

Abolitionist Approach Commentary Episode 20 , Australian Outback Vegans interviewed

"crazy heart syndrome"

Songs played

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